"Do I Have Your Attention?"

In my dream, I am running along the shore and then into a small seaside town, like the one in "Doc Martin".

Someone is trying to kill me. I am running and hiding. Scared.

I wake up with a racing heart and the icky feeling that is left from dreams like it.

In my dream, I am on the lower west side of Manhattan. I have given away my favorite dog to someone. I am desperately looking for the person and my beloved dog named Monday/Zippy Zuzu. I am filled with anxiety and self loathing at the realization that I have done something so horrifically self destructive.

I wake up with a racing heart and the icky feeling that is left from dreams like it.

"DO I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?" the loud voice in my head asks again. I'm assuming its the Universe. But, you never know.

"Yes." I answer. I feel like I've stepped into a bear trap that I cannot escape. It tethers me to the upcoming series of events from which I want to run.

So far, much to my disappointment, none of the Dr.s have suggested "Maybe if we ignore it, it will go away."

Gulp.

Last Monday, a week ago, (which I gotta say feels like years ago) I ate a delicious turkey and cheese sandwich with potato chips, Baked Zitti, salad and chocolate ice cream.

I went Vegan by Friday. I could say I'm cool with this but I don't want to lie. A world without cheese. It's gonna take some getting used to. ;)

I had a wonderful consult with Caryn Hartglass. I highly recommend her website and services to EVERYONE. Get off the animal products!

https://responsibleeatingandliving.com/

I never imagined I would be pleading to get a colonoscopy or biopsy!

I tried to set up a colonoscopy and because of the virus, May 1st is the first date I can get!

He explained he usually does colonoscopies three times a week but now he is doing them ONCE every TWO weeks!

It will also depend on what the Oncologist has to say. It might get moved up.

I tired to set up a uterine and cervical biopsy but was told to wait for the oncologist so the insurance company doesn't say no.

Insurance Company. I'm not there yet. I can't go there quite yet.

It's hard not to want and try to grab the wheel.

Here's where One Day At A Time and Let Go and Let God come in very handy.

Chanting an hour a day, too.

www.sgi.com

This weeks schedule:

See Oncologist

Get More tests

and hopefully a specific diagnosis and treatment plan.

My heart goes out everyone during this crazy time of Covid 19.

But, especially to those who are ill and trying to navigate through to get treatment.

It's an extra layer of stress.

Please share your experience, strength, hope with me here.

You are not alone and neither am I. ;)

Nam Myho Renge Kyo

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